Pairing: Kristin Chenoweth/Idina Menzel
Summary: Based on the tweet from Kristin; Will heartbreak ever completely stop, on any level? No.
Disclaimer: No affiliation, all fan-fic, blah, blah, blah.
It wasn’t until the moments where she was truly alone that Kristin felt the weight of her past drag her down. The moments where she could hear her own breathing instead of that of the person she watched walk away all those years ago. The moments that she truly hated herself for what had happened in the time that she was the happiest she had ever been.
“Hi, I’m Idina! And you’re Kristin, aren’t you? I’ve heard so much about you – about how your role was written for you and everything! It’s great to finally meet you!” Idina had said in one rushed sentence.
She was overwhelming, at first, Kristin recalled. Sitting on her lounge suite with a photo album open on her lap and a packet of Rolos in her hand, Kristin was torturing herself with the memories that used to keep her alive. She was loud, clueless, and exceedingly clumsy, she continued.
“Idina, watch out for the set!” Kristin would continuously and tirelessly call out in an attempt to save as much damage to the Wicked set as possible. Idina was infamous for her continuous breakages.
She always was hopeless when it came to doing more than one thing at a time, Kristin had to let out a choked laugh. Tears started leaking from Kristin’s eyes slowly as she turned page after page, memories of specific photos flooding back abruptly. She had started the album a couple of weeks in to the Wicked rehearsals, not knowing at the time how integral it would become in her life. She was so awkward during our first lunch alone, Kristin reminisced, looking at a photo of the cafe they frequented.
“So, uh... come here often?” Idina had asked as they walked inside the small cafe. All Kristin did was raise an eyebrow. “Oh, right, of course. You’ve been with everyone else for the past month or so, so how would you have had time to come here. Unless, of course, you came after rehearsals... which don’t end until well in to the night. So, uh... come here often beforehand?” she had rambled, trying to fill in the silence with something a little less awkward, but not succeeding.
It only took a few conversations for her to calm down and talk collectedly, Kristin smiled through her salty tears. She was well aware that these nights that she sat reminiscing on her past were unhealthy for her, and that she was forever going to be haunted by it if she never let it go, but she just couldn’t. How do you let go the one thing that you promised to always hold on to, she asked herself.
“Kristin, please!” Idina had pleaded, “Please don’t do this!” But for Kristin, it was the only thing that she could do. She had carried it out for too long before she had come to her senses, and though it was going to hurt them both, it was for the best. “I have to” Kristin had replied quietly, unable to make eye contact.
How can the right thing be so hard, Kristin sighed. Many nights she spent awake wondering if she had truly done the right thing, or was it just the safe thing at the time. As she kept turning pages, she remembered more about her life with Idina, more about the time when she was completely happy. It hurt her, but she was terrified of forgetting, therefore the cycle continued. Things had been easier when we were still happy, Kristin recalled.
“What’s wrong with you two?” Joe had asked time and time again. People had noticed a change in their performances, a change in the way their characters came together. They had gone from San Francisco to Broadway, and though appearances were being kept up, things weren’t the same and people knew it.
I let my emotions get in the way, Kristin chastised in her mind, a few of her tears splashing across each page. She had been in love. She had been happy. Sitting alone in her living room, she remembered how she used to feel, how it used to feel to be connected to another person. She remembered why things didn’t work out how they wanted, and she remembered the people that she was hurting. Taye didn’t deserve any of it, Kristin sobbed.
“What if your husband finds out?” Kristin had asked exasperatedly. “I tried to stay away from you, Kris, as per your request, but I couldn’t! I love you” Idina then countered, “I’ll leave him. We’ll finish Wicked, and we’ll have the life that we both want.” Kristin considered it for a single beat, but she knew in her heart that what they were doing was wrong. “You can learn to love him again” she had whispered.
I pushed her away because I was scared, Kristin whispered, startling herself. Without having realized, she had finished the pack of Rolos that she was holding and had started tearing the packaging in to small pieces. It had always been a habit of hers – to wreck whatever she was holding if she was thinking intently. Turning the page again, there was a picture of her and Idina from the 2010 Tony awards. That was a good night, she smiled weakly.
“It’s been a while” Idina said coolly as she had come face to face with Kristin. Kristin nodded in agreement, a pang of guilt surging through her. There had been a minute silence between them before Kristin perked up the courage to ask, “How’s Taye?” Pain crossed over Idina’s eyes, but she regained herself before saying, “He’s great. He’s better than great... we have a son now.” Kristin smiled weakly, “I heard. I’m sure he’s beautiful. I’m glad that you’re happy.” Idina had shaken her head sadly, “I never said that,” she said before walking off.
The first time I saw her in person after so many years she still made me tingle, Kristin sighed. She had stretched out on the lounge now, the photo album leaning up against her thighs as her legs were bent. These memories were ones that she tried to keep at bay, the ones that no one but she, Idina, and Denny knew about (she had to tell someone before she went crazy). We shouldn’t have done what we did but how could I deny what was there, Kristin mentally asked.
Kristin had made sure to catch Idina at the end of the ceremony, needing to know what it was that she meant. “Idina!” she called out, then watched as the woman turned around. Kristin had caught up to her and they moved together away from the mass of people. “Kris... I can’t do this” Idina said quietly. Kristin melted at the use of her nickname from the person that she loved still to that day. “I just want to know what you meant” Kristin insisted, “please.” She had known that she probably didn’t have the right to know, but she couldn’t help but enquire. Idina sighed. “I haven’t been happy since the day I walked away at your request” she had explained.
It had to have been the easy option, but not the right one, Kristin concluded. She had never come to a conclusion on the ever going question before, but something about looking through the album this time had changed. She took a moment to take some deep breaths, looking around her living room. Maddie was in Broken Arrow for the week, so Kristin was truly alone and she didn’t like it. What happened next, Kristin tried to remember.
“I’m so sorry” Kristin whispered. Idina had laughed humourlessly, “So you kept telling me.”Kristin felt beyond guilty and it was a horrible feeling. She could have had the woman she always wanted, but instead she had opted for the safe option. “I’ve never stopped loving you” Kristin whispered, and before she could have taken another breath, she felt the familiarity of Idina’s lips upon her own. Everything was coming back to her – how in love she had been, how hurt she had been, how much she had hurt Idina, watching Idina walk away. Despite all of that, however, she had still taken the next step.
It shouldn’t have happened, but I can’t regret it, Kristin whispered out loud. The actions of that night flooding her vision. She recalled how they had slipped away, how their lips barely left each others, how both their dresses had pooled at their feet, how they didn’t even take their heels off, how they both knew it was wrong but neither one was strong enough to stop it. Everything about that night was barely ever retrieved by Kristin, but in the times that it was she wondered whether it was ever revisited by the love of her life too. Then came the last time we would ever see each other, Kristin sighed, fresh tears forming.
“I’ll walk you to your car, but that has to be the last that we can see each other” Idina had said once they were both redressed and looking presentable, “I have a son now... I can’t compromise my family.” Kristin nodded weakly. She had understood that she lost her chance long ago, and now Idina was calling the shots. As they had gotten to the car waiting for Kristin, they were stopped as Idina closed the door behind Kristin. They two of them put on their public smiles for the camera that was waiting to take the shot, then with one last goodbye, Idina had been left to watch the one person she was truly in love with leave her life for good.
That was the last photo of us ever taken... Will heartbreak ever completely stop, on any level? No, Kristin thought to herself, closing the photo album and letting it fall to the floor. As usual, reminiscing had left her in no state to do anything but cry on her couch until she regained the strength to get up and put the photo album back in its hiding place. This was what her life had been reduced to, and she knew she deserved it.